


Remember, Remember (The Tenth of October)

by Sandrene09



Category: Smosh
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-22
Updated: 2014-12-22
Packaged: 2018-03-02 19:15:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2823059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandrene09/pseuds/Sandrene09
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Oddly enough, despite the three of them hanging out with one another most of the time, Anthony never calls Kalel his best friend. When he introduces them, it is always Ian who is the best friend and it is always Kalel who is the close friend.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>It’s not until eighth grade when Ian figures out why.</em>
</p><p>Or, an AU where Ian, Anthony, and Kalel all grew up with each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remember, Remember (The Tenth of October)

**Author's Note:**

> A repost of my fic. This fic can also be found at my lj and at my tumblr.

Everything starts on a warm Saturday afternoon.

Ian and his parents have just arrived at their new home, his parents having decided that the schools at the new community were better than the ones back at their old home. There are boxes to unpack and things to figure out, but his parents let him play outside.

It’s warm outside. It doesn’t make him feel better—instead, it reminds him so much more of their old neighborhood, of friends he left behind. In this new neighborhood, he feels lonely and alone.

Slowly, he walks towards the playground, graphic novel in hand. This new neighborhood is supposed to be safe, he knows—his mom would never let him outside by himself if it isn’t safe—but it doesn’t stop him from feeling apprehensive. Despite it being a warm Saturday afternoon, the playground is empty. Instead of being filled with kids, it’s quiet and empty.

It confuses Ian even more.

Normally, he would be happy having the swings all to himself, but not today. Today, he wants someone to talk to. His mom promised him that there would be other kids in the neighborhood, after all. He wants to talk to those kids.

He wants to feel not quite so alone.

Unhappily, he sits down on the swing and opens his comic book. On the back part of the cover is a little piece of paper where he wrote down a list of all the comic books he’s going to buy once he has saved enough money. The paper is creased, having been transferred from one comic book to another. Now, there’s only three more comic books he’s going to have to buy to complete the checklist, and when he realizes that, a small smile slowly starts to appear on his face.

He looks up and sees a boy his own age, black hair falling into large brown eyes. The boy’s eyebrows are furrowed in confusion, and Ian feels his smile widen even further. Finally, a kid his own age—just like his mom promised.

“Hi,” he says enthusiastically, closing his comic book and offering a handshake—his dad always did it with his clients because he says it’s the right thing to do, and Ian wants to be as polite and likeable as possible to this boy, so he does it as well. “I’m Ian. We’re new here.”

The confusion on the boy’s face clears. Gingerly, he accepts Ian’s hand and shakes it slowly, unsurely. “I’m Anthony,” he says quietly. Their handshake is brief and unsteady, and it’s not as professional-looking as the handshakes Ian saw his father give his clients, but it’s still wonderful and it still makes him smile.

“Hello, Anthony,” he says. “Do you read comic books?”

It’s much, much later, when he’s about to turn off his light and go to sleep, when he decides that he already likes it so much better here. The playground is much nicer and cleaner, and Anthony is pretty cool. He’s shy and a little quiet, but Ian knows it’s only because they don’t know each other that well yet. The time will come when Anthony will get used to Ian’s little _quirks_ —Ian doesn’t know what that means yet, but that’s what his mom calls it, whatever it is—and by then, he won’t be as shy and quiet as he is now. By then, he’ll run and play with Ian all day long. He won’t be shy anymore, and he and Ian will be best friends.

He’s sure of it.

-.-.-.-

Ian loves lists.

There is a list of comic books he’s willing to save money for taped to the back of his newest comic book, and there is a list of video games he wants to ask his parents to buy for Christmas taped to the back of his closet door despite it only being June. There is a list of books he wants to borrow from the library on his nightstand and there is a list of superheroes he likes taped on his desk.

His mom doesn’t like lists as much as he does, but she doesn’t comment, not even when the refrigerator becomes filled with lists of things that don’t concern her, like his list of reasons why pink frosted sprinkled donuts are better than churros, or his list of reasons why Batman is the coolest superhero ever, and his mother ignoring the lists she doesn’t like being put _everywhere_ inside the house inspires him to make a list of why his mom is the coolest mom ever.

A small pencil in hand, he starts writing. There’s _“She ignores my lists_ ” and there’s “ _She buys me milkshakes when I’m sad_ ” and there’s _“She buys me donuts_ ”. Halfway through the list—or maybe _not_ even halfway, since there’s a _lot_ he wants to write—he gets inspired to make a new list.

_Reasons why Anthony is the coolest friend ever:_

_1\. He likes Batman._

_2\. He talked to me when no one did._

_3\. He has black hair. Like Batman’s._

_4\. He likes video games._

_5\. He likes Pokemon._

The thing is, Ian is seven years old and doesn’t know yet that a lot of kids his age like video games and Batman. He doesn’t know that there are kids out there who are as cool as Anthony, if he’s going to base it on his little list.

He doesn’t know those things.

So instead, he finishes his list of why Anthony is the coolest friend ever and tapes it on his little study table.

And the thing is his life would probably be a lot more different if he _did_ know about those other kids.

-.-.-.-

Anthony is not shy. At least, not once you get to know him.

Ian is happy to note this.

They’re in Anthony’s room, the little rented video game in front of them, their hands sure and steady as they hold the controllers. Their fingers are deft and quick, sure in their direction.

“I heard that someone’s moving into the old Reilly house,” Anthony says, his eyes still on the screen before them.

Ian raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t look away from the screen either. “Really?”

“Mhm,” Anthony says, and Ian can see him nodding at the edges of his vision. “They’re going to be here by tomorrow, I think.”

Ian is seven and Anthony is eight, and they’re starting school in a few weeks. There are really no other kids in the neighborhood—if there are, then they sure don’t appear at the playground much—so the two of them are kind of stuck with each other.

Ian doesn’t mind. He _likes_ that they’re stuck with each other. Anthony’s cool, after all. He just considers himself lucky that he even has a friend at all.

“That’s nice,” he says, not looking at Anthony, but still meaning every of what he said. It _is_ nice. Maybe the ones who’ll be moving in have a kid of their own. He forgets about it for the time being though, too busy focusing on trying to beat Anthony at the video game.

Anthony wins. He always does.

Ian decides he hates platform games.

-.-.-.-

The Reilly house used to be painted gray. No one’s lived in it for a long time, Anthony says, so now that a family’s moving in, the rest of the neighborhood is curious. Where it used to be all flaking paint, it is now a vivid sky blue, the window sills painted white and the roof gleaming under the sunlight. The garden is no longer a health hazard, and is instead filled with the scent of freshly mowed green grass.

“I wonder if there’s going to be a kid,” Ian says as he and Anthony make their way to the playground, his comic books in hand. His gaze is focused on the truck that’s parked in front of the newly-renovated house and on the people carrying boxes.

Anthony shrugs, his head bowed. He keeps on sullenly kicking away little stones that they happen upon, and Ian watches his frown deepen further and further until he can’t stand it. “What is it?” he asks, tone gentle.

Again, Anthony shrugs. It bothers Ian that his new friend seems to want to hide something from him, so he carefully bumps his shoulder against Anthony’s. “What is it?”

Anthony mumbles. Ian can’t hear it over the sound of the truck revving its engine. He frowns, not liking the fact that his friend is unhappy. “I can’t hear you. What is it?”

“You’re not going to leave me for their kid, right?”

Anthony’s voice is small, unsure. Ian is suddenly aware of the pang in his heart. “Of course I won’t,” he says loudly, because he knows that the louder something is said, the more someone means it. During this early Friday morning, it sounds like a promise. “You’re my best friend,” he states, because honestly, he thought Anthony knew it already. His words ring in the silence of the neighborhood, and it is that that slowly turns Anthony’s frown upside down.

Ian smiles as well, happy to have made his friend happy.

They eventually reach the peaceful playground, both of them already looking forward to spending time under the shade of the large tree at the edges of the playground and reading comic books. However, when they get there, there’s already someone under _their_ tree, reading comic books of her own.

This is how they meet Kalel.

Ian, overexcited as he is, runs to the shade of the tree, smiling widely when the girl looks up from her comic book and sees him.

“Hi!” he says cheerfully, his cheeks hurting a bit from smiling too widely. He doesn’t care though, because there’s an actual kid sitting under their tree and reading comic books. That fact alone makes her cool in Ian’s eyes, and being a bit new himself, he’s excited at the prospect of having a new friend.

“Hi,” the girl says slowly, cautiously. She has beautiful curly brunette hair and light brown eyes. In her hands is the latest Superman comic book, and already, Ian knows they will be good friends.

Anthony reaches Ian’s side just as Ian offers his hand for a handshake, eagerly introducing himself. “I’m Ian,” he says enthusiastically, eyes bright with happiness, “and I’m actually kind of new here.”

The girl carefully shakes his hand. “I’m Kristen Smith,” she says, a small smile on her lips. “My friends call me Kalel, though.”

“Like Superman!” Ian says, and Anthony would probably say that he’s too excitable and that he might scare Kalel off with his enthusiasm, but he doesn’t care.

Kalel nods eagerly, her smile widening. “Like Superman,” she confirms. Ian smiles and points at Anthony who is shy and half-hidden behind Ian. “This is Anthony,” he says, wanting Anthony to like Kalel as well. “He’s my friend.”

“Hi,” Anthony says, waving his hand in a timid hello. The small frown is back on his face again, and Ian wants to remove it from his face. Not now though, he reminds himself—Anthony still has to meet Kalel properly. “I’m Anthony,” Anthony continues, making an effort to put a small smile on his face.

Kalel waves back. “I’m Kalel.”

“She’s cool, Anthony,” Ian immediately gushes, no longer having the strength to hold himself back from talking about his new friend. “She reads comic books and likes Superman!”

Anthony’s eyes brighten at that, and they immediately sit under the shade of the tree and talk animatedly about comic books and superheroes. While Ian and Anthony’s favorite is Batman, Kalel’s favorite is Superman, and while Ian likes dogs more, Anthony and Kalel both like cats more.

This doesn’t bother Ian. Kalel is pretty cool, if she prefers comic books and Pokemon to the Barbies the girls played with in Ian’s old neighborhood.

It is much later, when Ian and Anthony walk back to their houses, when Ian asks Anthony what he feels about their new friend.

“She’s nice,” Anthony says, the hint of a smile on his face pleasing Ian. However, his eyes aren’t bright with happiness, and it is this that makes Ian ask him what’s wrong.

Anthony shakes his head. “Nothing is,” he says, and the way he says it makes it sound _final_ , like what he said cannot be questioned. “It’s just that, don’t girls have cooties?” He asks slowly, unsure.

Ian smiles, shaking his head. “Kalel doesn’t,” he says proudly. After all, no one as cool as he can _possibly_ have cooties.

Looking back, this is probably how it all begins.

-.-.-.-

“Ian and Anthony” quickly becomes “Ian, Anthony, and Kalel”.

The rest of their summer is spent with one another. Their parents don’t mind—Ian’s parents are only happy that their son seems to be adjusting well, and the same goes for Kalel’s. Anthony’s mom is just happy that his son finally has friends he can talk to and hang out with, friends who don’t seem to be heading down the wrong path.

They spend their days talking about comic books and Pokemon. Sometimes, they actually go and play in the playground only _they_ seem to be using, and sometimes, they choose to just watch movies, with Kalel making them watch Disney movies with her.

The summer of 1995 is when Ian moves into his new home. It’s also when he becomes friends with two of the coolest people he’s ever known.

Slowly but surely, he stops missing his old neighborhood and starts looking forward to his time with Anthony and Kalel more and more. He used to look forward to going to school to meet new friends, but now, he likes the idea of summer too much to want to let it go.

So, he makes a list.

_Reasons why summer shouldn’t end:_

_1\. So I can spend more time with Anthony and Kalel._

_2\. So I don’t have to go to school._

No matter how much he wishes summer won’t end, however, it _does_ , bringing with it the start of school. Kalel is going to another school, something Anthony and Ian are sad to hear, but Ian has no doubt that she’ll be fine. Kalel is cool and pretty—Ian has no doubts that she’ll have lots of friends. Ian, for all the enthusiasm he exudes and for all the excitement that never quite manages to leave his body alone, isn’t all that good at making friends. Anthony says it’s not because he’s not cool, but rather because his excitement scares people off before he can make a good impression.

Ian grins. Anthony knows what to say every single time and Ian is kind of jealous. He’s just thankful that he didn’t manage to scare Anthony off the first time they saw each other.

He adds it to his list of why Anthony is the coolest friend ever.

_6\. He didn’t get scared of me._

When Ian and Anthony go to school, they’re both happy to see that they’re classmates.

The rest of the school year goes by, and then summer, and then before they know it, they’re graduating from sixth grade. They make friends of their own, yes, but Ian and Anthony are still each other’s best friend. When they get home from school, they do their homework and hang out with Kalel under the shade of _their_ tree. Neighbors come and go, and so do friends, but the three of them stubbornly remain being “Ian, Anthony, and Kalel”.

Oddly enough, despite the three of them hanging out with one another most of the time, Anthony never calls Kalel his best friend. When he introduces them, it is always Ian who is the best friend and it is always Kalel who is the close friend.

It’s not until eighth grade when Ian figures out why.

-.-.-.-

“It’s such a peaceful day,” Kalel says, sighing happily. She’s lying under the shade of their tree, her stylish white and pink dress stopping at the knee. Her long and immaculately-kept hair looks beautiful against the green grass. She _does_ look peaceful, Ian is pleased to note, and he smiles, closing his eyes.

They’ve grown up since that fateful day eight years ago. Ian was right in thinking that Kalel would have lots of friends—at her old school, she was one of the most popular kids, managing to guarantee loyalties and broken hearts. It’s no different from now, when the three of them are going to the same school. She’s still as pretty and untouchable as ever, and Ian can only smile at the knowledge that he’s managed to be friends with someone as popular as her.

The three of them are still friends, managing not to break under middle school’s expectations of social hierarchy. Ian and Anthony are still friends and they still consider each other cool, but it’s not the same for other people. Somehow, they’ve become, while not quite losers, very near to being losers, and frankly, it’s a miracle that they’re still friends with Kalel at all. Where she’s all white skin, long legs, and beautiful cheeriness, Ian and Anthony are all immaturity and, as people call it, “geeky stuff”.

“Hey.”

Ian opens his eyes and sees Anthony approaching them, tired and sweaty. His black hair keeps falling into his eyes, and it reminds Ian so much of the first time they met, when Anthony was still shy and speechless. He watches as Anthony look at Kalel with something Ian can’t quite figure out yet for a few seconds before Anthony flops down beside Kalel and puts his hands under his head.

Kalel opens her eyes. “You smell really bad,” she says jokingly, a smile on her lips, her eyes focused on Anthony.

Anthony rolls his eyes. Ian is about to ask him how his tennis practice went, when Anthony suddenly rolls over and tickles Kalel, a smile on his face. Kalel closes her eyes and squeals happily, surprised. Her laughter is loud and it rings in the silence of the playground, and the corners of her eyes are crinkled in delight. Ian watches as they both slowly roll away from him, Anthony and Kalel’s tickling session ending after a few seconds when Kalel says stop breathlessly.

Her hair is still immaculate and so is her pink dress, despite the fact that one sleeve fell down a milky white shoulder. Her body is angled toward Anthony’s—and in extension, Ian’s—and Ian sees her smile at Anthony, talking to him in hushed tones.

Ian watches Anthony reach over and put Kalel’s sleeve back on its rightful place tenderly, his touch a caress on her arm.

Ian closes his eyes and wills himself to forget what he just saw, confused as to why his heart suddenly feels like it’s being punctured by thorns. There is a deep ache in his chest, and Ian can only ask himself why it hurts so much, not knowing the answer to his question. He feels a prickling behind his eyes, and he bites his lip, not wanting either of his friends to see tears streaming down his cheeks.

It _hurts_ so bad.

The thing is, Ian doesn’t quite know where he went wrong. They’re all still best friends, no matter how many times Anthony chooses to call Kalel a close friend instead of his best friend, so why is it that now, he feels left out? It’s not that he wants to be a part of the tickling fight, it’s just that he feels like his friends are slowly inching away from him.

Later, when Ian is huddled under his sheets, curled into an unhappy ball, he closes his eyes and tries to erase the vivid picture painted behind his eyelids of Anthony and Kalel looking for all the world like they belong with each other. The picture makes his breaths shorten and he feels the oncoming attack of his asthma.

Forcing himself to straighten, he breathes in, out, in, out.

It’s funny, he thinks, how Anthony once asked him, “ _You’re not going to leave me for their kid, right?”_ when it turns out that it should have been Ian who asked.

It’s then when he realizes _why_.

Ian is the best friend because he’s the first friend.

Kalel is the close friend because she’s going to be the girlfriend.

Ian hugs his pillow even tighter and wills himself to ignore the pain and go to sleep.

-.-.-.-

Ian takes up running.

It’s a metaphor, he thinks, a figurative way of release for him. Running keeps him fit.

Running keeps him sane.

It’s during times when he sees Anthony and Kalel heading to what used to be _their_ tree but is quickly becoming just Anthony and Kalel’s tree when he runs in the opposite direction. It’s when he remembers the way Anthony tenderly caressed Kalel’s arm when he pushes himself even further, harder, even when he knows his limit will catch up to him soon.

He quickly becomes one of the school’s best runners. With time, his legs show muscles that were previously hidden by fat.

It doesn’t stop hurting, no matter how far or how fast he runs. Sometimes, it even feels like all roads are leading him to Anthony, because no matter where he runs, he always seems to end up near their tree.

Ian isn’t dumb. He knows what this is. He knows that this is attraction that he feels for his best friend, and he knows that even while it doesn’t matter to him that he likes someone of the same sex, it might not be the same for Anthony.

He resolves not to tell him. After all, he doesn’t want to lose his best friend, not to mention that his best friend is on his way to dating Kalel, anyway.

It’s not like Ian can compete with someone as beautiful as Kalel.

-.-.-.-

“Are you going to the party tonight?”

The afternoon is peaceful, a cold breeze ruffling his hair. Ian looks up from the novel he’s reading and sees Kalel brushing her hair, her legs folded underneath her.

Ian shrugs. “I don’t know yet,” he says truthfully. While it’s certainly going to be one of the biggest parties of the year, Ian isn’t sure if there would even be people there who would talk to him. His friends weren’t really the kind to go to parties, after all, except for Kalel, and lately, Anthony. He doesn’t want to be left out—he just _knows_ that if he goes with Kalel and Anthony, he might leave by himself at the end of the night.

He doesn’t want to take the chance.

“Oh come _on_ ,” Kalel says, waving a hand in the air impatiently. “It’s the biggest party of the year! We’re done with middle school, Ian. You should go celebrate!”

Ian can hear the excitement in Kalel’s voice. It’s easy for her to be excited, Ian thinks, because she will do well in high school, just like she did in elementary and in middle school. She will still be one of the popular kids, and Ian will still be beneath her in the social hierarchy.

Anthony won’t even be with him at the bottom anymore, what with him steadily being linked to Kalel, one of the prettiest girls in school.

Ian shrugs before looking back at the novel he’s reading. “I don’t know,” he mutters, but the thing is that he _does_ know. He knows he won’t be going to that party tonight with Anthony and Kalel. He knows that he’s just going to get ignored.

He knows.

Anthony appears, a smile on his face. He quickly walks to Ian’s side and sits down, putting his school bag beside him. “Are you going to the party, Ian?” he asks as he opens his bag and rummages inside for his notebook and pen.

“Ian said he doesn’t know yet,” Kalel answers for him, one hand tucking a lock of beautiful golden-brown hair behind her ear. Ian watches her gracefully look to the sky, her long neck smooth and pale, and envies her just that little bit more. Where he’s scary excitement and lanky limbs, she’s beauty and grace.

It’s no wonder it’s her Anthony’s looking at and not him.

“Which is such a shame,” Kalel continues, her eyes still focused on the rapidly darkening sky above them, “since today is such a nice day. I’m sure the party will be good for you, Ian. You’ve been studying non-stop.”

Ian shrugs before giving up on his book and closing it, taking care to leave the bookmark in between the pages. He puts the book in his bag before he lies down, the green grass soft beneath his body. “I just want good grades. That’s all,” he mumbles, his eyes focused on the green leaves above him.

It’s not the truth. The truth is that he spends his days in the library and his afternoons at home, studying, because he can’t quite bear the thought of being the third wheel in their friendship. More than that, he doesn’t think he can bear being in the same place as Kalel and Anthony and knowing that they would much rather prefer him gone so they could be alone.

It’s for his friends, he tries to reason to himself often, not wanting to admit that no, he’s doing it for selfish reasons. It’s avoidance, clear and simple.

Kalel looks down at him, and from where Ian is positioned, he can see what Anthony sees in her. Over the years, his relationship with these two important people in his life has changed its tone and flavor. He has come to see Kalel as a close friend and a sister, sort of, and Anthony—well.

He barely resists the urge to shake his head.

“We know you want good grades, Ian, but you’ve been doing a little too much studying,” Kalel says, looking at him with those bright brown eyes of hers, a small, unhappy frown on her face. “Come on, Ian. It will be fun, I promise.”

“All right,” he finally says, conceding, and Kalel makes a happy noise, the frown on her face morphing into a joyful grin. He looks at Anthony whose concentration is still on the notebook in front of him, and thinks that for them—for his closest friends—he’ll do this.

He will.

-.-.-.-

He doesn’t want to do this.

Ian looks at his closet and sighs unhappily, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. What the hell is he even supposed to wear?

He flops down on his bed and reaches for a spare piece of paper.

_Reasons why I shouldn’t go to this party at all:_

_1\. I’m going to be left behind, anyway._

_2\. Kalel and Anthony will probably spend the entire night together._

_3\. I’m most probably not going to have fun._

_4\. I don’t know what I’m supposed to wear._

_5\. Whatever it is I’m going to wear, Kalel’s going to mock it._

_6\. My friends won’t be there, except for Kalel and Anthony._

_7\. I’m not really one of the cool kids._

Ian sighs, before biting his lip and writing down one last number, underlining the words twice.

_8\. Anthony will only have eyes for Kalel._

-.-.-.-

As expected, none of his friends are at the party, except for Anthony and Kalel.

There is booze around the house, courtesy of eighth graders trying to look as cool as possible—not to mention, trying to make the party look as close as possible to the parties shown in Hollywood movies—and people Ian doesn’t know well are scattered all around the house. There are chips and pretzels and different kinds of dips on every flat surface, and there are stacks of red solo cups and bottles of sodas. Ian doesn’t pour himself a single drink, too scared of drinking something spiked with alcohol.

Carefully, he maneuvers himself around couples kissing each other, and keeps his eyes peeled out for Anthony and Kalel. He has no doubt that they would be at this party—after all, they were the ones who asked him to go in the first place.

He remembers Kalel telling him that he will have fun, and looking around the too-small house and its too many occupants, he thinks not. Truth be told, he would much rather stay at home and play video games, but the thing is that despite his list of why he shouldn’t go to this party, he went because of one thing: he said he would.

Sighing, he silently opens the last door, expecting to find yet another kissing couple.

He does.

It’s Anthony and Kalel, talking to each other in hushed tones. In the darkness of the room, they look intimate, and Ian feels like he is interrupting something important.

His feet are frozen to the ground and his hands can’t seem to close the door in front of him and leave Anthony and Kalel to their intimacy. His eyes can’t stop looking, watching as Anthony slowly kisses Kalel, his hand on her cheek, even though his heart is beating painfully in his chest.

There is a kind of pain that transcends something as limited as _physical_ or _mental_ or _emotional_ , and it is _this_. It is the ache in his chest, the kind of ache that spreads through his veins like poison, the kind of ache that makes his breath stop in his lungs. It’s a pain that is no longer _just_ physical.

Numb, he closes the door, and then—

He runs.

He makes his way out of the house and its stifling air, and runs away. He runs away from his thoughts of Anthony, runs away from that scene under the tree that’s still oh so bright behind his closed eyelids, runs away from the dark intimacy in that room, when Anthony has his lips on Kalel’s. He runs, runs, runs.

He runs until he reaches the bus stop, and then he collapses on the seat.

His breathing is labored, every deep inhale worsening the burn in his lungs. Quickly, he pats his pockets for his inhaler, relief flowing through his veins when he finds it.

A bus stops in front of him, and he immediately gets in, sinking into his seat right after. He watches locations blur in the window as they ride past, and sighs. He wonders: can he possibly blur the images in his mind if he runs fast enough?

He knows the answer is no.

When he reaches his stop, he tiredly gets off the bus and walks home, his legs too tired to move faster than a casual walk. He quietly enters the house and gets into bed immediately, his stomach too tied up in knots and his body aching too much for him to muster up any kind of appetite.

In the morning, he opens his eyes and remembers, with startling clarity, how much everything _hurts_. His hands reach for his planner, and before he knows it, there is a list staring up at him.

_Reasons why I shouldn’t like Anthony in that way:_

_1\. He likes Kalel._

_2\. He’s straight._

_3\. He’s my best friend._

_4\. He will never go for someone like me._

_5\. He’s too beautiful for me._

-.-.-.-

“I’m going to ask Kalel out.”

It’s a warm afternoon. It should be a good day.

It’s not.

“That’s good,” Ian says as he keeps his gaze focused on the book on his lap. Truthfully, it’s anything _but_ good, but Ian keeps his opinion about it inside. He’s already told himself that he won’t ever tell Anthony about his attraction to him, after all.

Anthony shrugs, sighing. “I don’t know how,” he admits in a soft voice.

Your best friend you’ve had a crush on for ages telling you that he’s going to ask your other closest friend out? Painful.

Your best friend you’ve had a crush on for ages asking you for advice on how he’s supposed to ask your other closest friend out? Even _more_ painful.

Ian watches Anthony look at the grass in front of him with a dejected look, and knows that he will do all he can for this boy, this person who’s managed to make Ian masochistic by just staring at him as Ian sat on the swings in this very playground years ago.

This must be what assisted suicide feels like.

Ian sighs and puts his book away.

It’s later, when Kalel happily informs Ian of the new development in her and Anthony’s relationship when Ian feels like pasting a smile on his face will only help chisel the cracks in his façade more until he breaks, so he stops himself from smiling and just hugs her.

He knows that it’s supposed to be Anthony he’s saying this to, but he does it anyway. To her ear, he whispers softly, “take care of him, okay?”

Kalel returns his embrace and nods. “I will,” she says, soft.

It’s October 10.

-.-.-.-

_Things I love about Anthony:_

_1\. His sense of humor._

_2\. His hair._

_3\. His smile._

_4\. His love for video games._

_5\. His eyes._

_6\. His love for his friends._

_7\. His love for cats._

_8\. His determination._

_9\. His love for his family._

_10\. His sense of reality._

-.-.-.-

High school comes and goes.

Kalel is, again, one of the most popular kids at school.

Anthony stops playing tennis.

Ian continues his running.

Anthony and Kalel become that on again, off again couple that everyone would love to hate but secretly adore.

Ian continues on being alone and hiding his feelings.

Life goes on.

-.-.-.-

“What are you going to do with your lives?”

The three of them are seated under the shade of the tree once again. It’s one of Kalel and Anthony’s off days, with Kalel dating some guy named Clark—the irony isn’t lost on Ian, by the way—and with Anthony single. Frankly, Ian is amazed that the two of them can still manage to be friends with one another even after their relationship ends, and ends, and ends, over and over again.

Kalel has always been untouchable, Ian thinks. She’s always been too bright for this little town of theirs with her dazzling smile and charming personality, always been too amazing and too quick and independent to settle down and commit to something, whether it be a relationship or a hair color.

Today, her hair color is a gorgeous iguana blue with green streaks. It suits her personality, Ian finds.

Ian shrugs. “I’m going to college. I’m going to be a writer,” he says. It’s a dream he only realized a few years ago, but it’s still a dream. It’s something he wants to pursue.

“I’m going to learn programming,” Anthony says, a small smile on his face.

“What about you?” Ian asks, nodding at Kalel.

She smiles. “I’m going to learn fashion design. I’ve already handed out applications and everything. The school’s at New York,” she says brightly, and Ian is happy for her, really. It’s just that, at the corner of his eye, he can see Anthony’s face fall at the knowledge that Kalel really will be gone, chasing dreams quicker than they can catch up with her.

She’s always been too quick and too bright. Like a shooting star, Ian thinks.

“I’m happy for you,” he says sincerely.

“What about you two? Where are you planning to go?”

“Los Angeles,” Ian says, because he’s already picked a good school. The school excels at teaching the arts, according to his research, and they have a literature arts department. It’s good enough for him.

Anthony grins. “I’m going to Los Angeles, too. This is so cool, Ian. We can stay in one place together to save money.”

Kalel grins at them. Her legs are tucked under her body and her skin is still as smooth and beautiful as before. “I’m going to miss you guys.”

“We’ll miss you too,” Anthony says.

-.-.-.-

_Things I love about Anthony:_

_11\. The way I never get bored when I’m with him._

_12\. The way he talks about anything he’s excited about._

_13\. His dreams._

_14\. The way he looks at everything optimistically._

_15\. The fact that he became my first friend in this new neighborhood._

_16\. The way he’s so concerned about his looks._

_17\. The fact that he’s actually kind of good at cooking._

_18\. He once bought me a dozen pink frosted sprinkled donuts because I was sick._

_19\. His love for Nintendo._

_20\. His knowledge of computers._

-.-.-.-

“Are you okay?” Anthony asks, concerned, as he closes the door behind him.

Their apartment is small, yet cozy. It’s chaotic, what with two single boys living in it, but it’s clean enough for Ian’s standards.

It’s _home_.

Ian sighs, closing his eyes. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not,” Anthony says, and he strides to Ian’s bed, sitting down carefully beside him. “What’s wrong?”

“I feel sick,” Ian mumbles.

Anthony puts a hand to his forehead and winces, shaking his head. “I’m going to go grab some soup. What else do you need?”

“Water?”

Anthony nods, standing up. “Done. What else?”

Ian smiles at him, hopeful. “Donuts?”

Anthony shakes his head at him fondly, a smile on his lips. “I’ll see what I can do, okay? Go to sleep. I’ll wake you up when the food’s ready.”

-.-.-.-

_Things I love about Anthony:_

_21\. He’s good at taking care of his sick friends._

-.-.-.-

Every summer, Ian and Anthony go back home to Sacramento. It is there when they see Kalel again, where they exchange stories about their various lives. Kalel excitedly talks to them about her new ideas and her lessons about color combinations and whatnot, and Anthony talks about his and Ian’s experiences in living with each other in the same apartment.

It’s almost like old times, Ian muses, a genuine smile on his face.

The thing is, Ian finds it so easy to lose himself in this new normal that he _does_. For a few moments, he’s forgotten about what the three of them had gone through over the years. He’s forgotten about Anthony and the way Ian looks at him, forgotten about Kalel and Anthony’s past.

For a few moments.

Later, after family dinner, he walks outside, eager to feel the cool breeze against his skin. As always, his walk brings him to the playground—to their tree.

And, as always, he sees things he doesn’t want to see.

Anthony is there, and so is Kalel. His hands are on her waist, and her arms are on his shoulders as they kiss each other sweetly, deeply.

No matter how much Ian wants to scream that he met Anthony first, that he was the one to introduce Anthony to Kalel, he can’t. He can’t because he doesn’t have any kind of claim on Anthony.

He can’t because he doesn’t have the right to.

It’s painful. It has never stopped being painful over the years. It’s a thorn prickling his finger and an elephant stomping on his entire body. It’s fire burning his flesh and it’s ice numbing his skin. It’s a bullet to the brain and a sword to the guts.

It’s a fist squeezing around his heart and lungs.

He runs, because that’s what he always does, isn’t it? He runs away from problems and keeps his words to himself. He runs away from Kalel and Anthony and keeps getting reeled in anyway, be it because of Anthony’s bright eyes or his warm smile.

It’s always him who runs away and it’s always him who runs back.

When he gets back home, his mom is there, standing by the door.

He hugs her, and she returns the embrace. He knows she knows.

Mothers always do.

-.-.-.-

“So you’re back together, huh?”

Anthony grins, and it transforms his face completely. He nods.

“I’m happy for you,” Ian says.

He’s not. Not really.

-.-.-.-

_Things I love about Anthony:_

_22\. He’s quick to forgive._

_23\. He has such a kind heart._

_24\. He finds it in himself to still be friends with his exes._

_25\. He’s always been there for me._

-.-.-.-

Ian watches Anthony close the door behind him with a sad expression, his brows furrowed and a frown on his face.

Silently, Ian stands up and walks to the television in the corner, turning it on and getting the game controllers. He offers one to Anthony, smiling when he takes it, and sits down on his bed.

They play platform games even though Ian hates them because he knows that Anthony and Kalel broke up again today.

It’s a kind of quiet comfort that only they can give each other.

From the corner of his eye, he sees Anthony look at him with something that almost looks like a tender expression, but he doesn’t pay attention to it. After all, this is not the first time he’s imagined something like it, and it’s certainly not the first time he’s managed to want it so bad for it to seem almost real to him.

So instead, he focuses harder on the game in front of them.

He still loses, like always.

-.-.-.-

_Things I love about Anthony:_

_112\. His addiction to tacos._

_113\. His addiction to Youtube videos._

-.-.-.-

He’s doomed to be the best friend.

This is something Ian knows now. He is doomed to be the pining best friend who helps his best friend get the girls of his dreams, just like how it is in over 90% of Hollywood movies.

He’s a fucking cliché and he hates it.

One random day, he gets his hair cut shorter. He starts to flirt back, not caring at all if he’s flirting with girls or boys. This is Los Angeles, California—everyone is a little bit more open-minded here.

During days, he flirts with those who flirt with him. During nights, he kisses and fucks and forces himself to move on from his stupid childhood crush. It’s too tiring to continue being tied down to something—or rather, _someone_ , who doesn’t know just how his every word and movement affects Ian. It’s too tiring to continue being silent.

It’s too tiring to continue hurting quietly.

One night, he gets a little too careless, and Anthony opens the door to their apartment just as Ian is about to remove Henry’s (Harry’s? Hank’s?) top. Ian’s shirt is already lying somewhere on the floor, and he’s straddling Henry, his eyes closed in pleasure when he notices the change in atmosphere.

“Oh.”

Ian opens his eyes and looks at Anthony—his best friend—standing at the doorway, his eyes wide, but not with disgust.

No. If Ian trusts his vision—and during this time, he _doesn’t_ —he can almost swear that what he sees is _hurt_.

“I’ll just go then,” Anthony says softly, before he closes the door and, from the sounds of it, _runs_.

Ian doesn’t chase him. He’s too damn tired to chase after someone now. Instead, he lets Anthony run the way Ian always did back then.

Ian is done with running.

It’s later—much, much later—when Ian apologizes, too guilty not to. Despite his feelings for Anthony, Anthony is his best friend and he didn’t deserve to see that.

“I’m sorry,” Ian says softly. It’s morning now, and Henry (Harry? Hank?) is long gone. The smell of sex is gone from their apartment.

Anthony has bags under his eyes. “It’s okay,” he says in a low, rough voice. He clears his throat. “I didn’t know you were bisexual.”

Ian only shrugs.

-.-.-.-

_Things I love about Anthony:_

_127\. He accepted my sexuality._

_128\. His dimples._

_129\. His love for The Legend of Zelda._

-.-.-.-

It’s another summer.

Kalel’s hair is purple this time, but the rest of her hasn’t changed. She’s still as beautiful and untouchable as ever.

“You’re bisexual?” Kalel asks, tilting her head to the side.

Ian nods, taking a bite off the apple in his hand. He knows he won’t have trouble with Kalel. She studies in New York, after all, and the people in New York are more open-minded than the people in California.

“That’s nice,” she says, before she directs her gaze back to the fashion magazine in her hands.

Ian can feel Anthony’s gaze on him. He ignores it, just like he ignores every other look Anthony shoots him when he thinks Ian isn’t looking. Since that fateful night, things have been _weird_ with him and Anthony, and while Ian knows that Anthony accepts him, things don’t quite sit well with him, or at least, not like they used to before the accident.

He misses the old times. He misses those times when all he had to worry about were whether he would be able to buy the latest comic book in time or not.

That night, he avoids the playground like the plague. He knows that it’s normally during these times when Anthony and Kalel get back together, and as hard as he’s trying to move on, he knows he’s not yet strong enough to watch another kiss between them without running away again.

He’s been a good best friend all these years, after all. He deserves some kind of break.

-.-.-.-

_Things I love about Anthony:_

_146\. His love for metal music._

_147\. The way he cuddles his pillows in his sleep._

_148\. His love for Batman._

_149\. He once bought me a comic book because I lost that edition._

_150\. The way he hates chocolate._

_151\. His less than graceful dance moves._

-.-.-.-

Things fall to shit when Ian gets home—and funny, how their little apartment has quickly become _home_ to Ian—and sees Anthony, his hands clutching Ian’s planner.

His heart falls.

His planner is in Anthony’s hands. His planner—the planner he’s kept with him since eighth grade, the planner where he’s written his lists since he was young.

Anthony looks up. Quietly, carefully, he closes the planner and puts it on the table beside him.

“Did you mean everything you wrote in there?”

Ian swallows past the lump in his throat. He’s done with running, he knows, but right now, his body frozen to this one spot in space and time, all he wants to do is run away from Anthony.

He forces himself to nod, not trusting himself to say words.

Suddenly, there are arms around him and he looks up, surprised.

Anthony smiles at him before he leans down and takes Ian’s lips in his.

So many nights spent kissing strangers and having one night stands, so many nights spent caressing skin and breathing in scents, and yet this is the sweetest one.

It’s October 10.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own Smosh and I don’t make money from this.


End file.
